Marshall Jhon Mebble
This week has passed in suspense.  Both factions, The Dog Dominion, and The Cat Confederation, are at it hard.  With war declared, the city of Gargantuan Cat City is in the midst of decay.

Few of the original landmarks can be distinguished.  The reason?  Rotten tomatoes and cabbage heads have covered it in gooey slime.

The local authorities of cats have put a halt on the Dog advance down HuffleDuff Lane, and have sent the Dogs coming up Barkalot Road, fleeing south, into the sector of... of Weak-In-The-Head-Cat street.  Odd names I must add.

Currently, cats are invading many human homes to the east (where all humans live), and thus, rich people, think that the cats are loosing the war, and that is why the humans are funding the Cat Armory Funding Center.  Bad decision on the humans part, I must add.

However, the Dogs are still besieging the cat's palace.  The new king (whoever that be) is cowardly hiding in the bathroom, unfortunately, he has a surprise for him coming up the toilet.

The absence of my news posts is easily explained.   My laziness-err, I mean um, well, I'll skip that one.  The main reason is  because I was attacked, boycotted, and left out in the streets to die.  Yes, you guessed it, by the cats.  They attacked my recording station and took everything from it.  I now live as a broken man.  Please, donate to me.

(Commercial Break)

Alright, so, the news has happened like this.  In a series of stunning events, King Plumpcat has been removed from his throne, and placed in a big dumpster, the following is the name of the company that provided the dumpster:  Dead-Cat-Morge.  Yes, in other words, King Plumpcat has died, leaving no clear heir.

Suspicions  have come up (obviously) that the Dogs may have murdered Plumpcat, however, only recently, (two hours ago in fact) was it discovered, that Plumpcat died from choking on a hairball.  So that is that.

But, the cats won't admit it, they have declared WAR!!!  the stink of rotten cabbage heads can already be smelled in my newly-constructed recording station.  Rotten apples are lined up at the late Plumcat's palace windows, and from there, the cats have a clear view of Dog activities.

The Dogs, however, have come up with their own plan just five minutes ago.   The Dog General said directly to me:  "We will sneak in threw da' sewa's."  Very good spelling indeed I must remark.  That quote was not actually heard by me... I heard it from a slave who heard it from a soldier who heard it from a officer who heard it from a cat spy who heard it from a Division-Commander who heard it from the General.

I'll keep you posted (hopefully, if I'm not attacked with rotten carrots next week).

Marshall Jhon Mebble, continuing to believe the news heard by me (that is possible just gossip).
Layin' there like she rules the world.

And below is cat, caught in the  midst of suspicious activity, there is proof especially because of it's unwillingness to show its eyes.

Trouble is brewing, the cats (the furry flea bags) rule the country, but there bodies, so much smaller than the Dog's, let them do sneaky things, of course, because the cat's head is smaller than a Dog's they have smaller brains, resulting in there stupidity.

These were all the things I could slip past, the government of cats has outlawed free speech against them.  So my article next week might have to be saying (falsely) that cats (the despicable things) are good (which is entirely and completely a false and non-right lie).

This scene just came in.
A deeply troubled, Marshall Jhon Mebble.
New Weekly Wars updates will come out every Monday, excluding this one which will be up tomorrow.  :D
Because of the current situation between dogs and cats, I, the master of news reporting... was forced to pick a different topic this week, since no humans should here the current political crisis.  So, although I dearly wish I could tell you of the cat's infiltration of- woops!  uh, yes.

Dmail creator Alis LoudBark, a former secretary for the Female Dog Mailing Corp. invented this ingenious way of communicating, tell us more about it Alis.

Alis:  Well hello Mr.  Interview!  Hello mom!  Anyway, I am Alis, inventor of Dmail Services, my very own business.

Marshall Jhon Mebble:  Yes, I asked, in your own words, what is the Dmail communications like?

Alis:  Oh yes, nearly forgot.  Dmail's are a simple dog way to transport a message, I invented it ten years ago in another war between cats and dogs, I mean Dogs, and cats, cats must always be spelled with a lowercase and dogs with an uppercase letter and dogs must come first.  As I was saying, Dmail's could not be interpreted by cats, except for specialist cats trained in the art.  It is simply dogs barking out a form of language.  Please consider the reasonable price of only 9.99, and unlike the Cat's Mailing, Dmail Services has a free long distance plan, it only costs 4.99-

Marshall Jhon Mebble:  Yes that's very interesting- wait, did you say the long distance plan was free?

Alis:  Yes, for a donation of 4.99 or higher-

Marshall Jhon Mebble:  Never mind.  This has been The Peoples Live News, signing out.

I do not believe that the other captains are competent to take command.  To cowardly, elusive, and untrustworthy.  Where as I am brave, and can accomplish all your needs as soon as you request them your majesty.  I have no dreams in becoming supreme commander of the army like you, only your faithful servant, believe me, you can always trust me.

Kalis the Killer

Weekly Wars,

Marshall Jhon Mebble, reporting live on scene of the recent out brake.
Stunning event have lead up to the full exercise of atrocious deeds.  A dumpster diving dog by the name of Grifflebark, was caught filling a cat's home with hairballs.  More stunning events have occurred, only many of these were cat incidents.  Early this morning officials say the police caught a sneaky cat with over TWENTY pounds of raw meat.  He was heading for the dog headquarters of Big Bark.  But the police are on the cats side, so, naturally, they let the cat go free of charge.  Another sabotaging plot was done yesterday afternoon.  A kitten was found in a trashcan, wrestling with a pup.  The little dog was pinned before a larger dog came to the rescue, knocking over the trashcan when he heard scuffling from inside.

Now, at exactly 2:00 PM outside King Plumpcat's royal palace, large hordes of dogs are seen barking, growling, and nipping around the palace.  A group of military police cats were trying to force the rowdy dogs back, but to no avail.  A Tinderflyer was caught smuggling food supplies into the palace not more than twenty minutes ago.  The food contained, Raspberry Chocolate Caramel Cake, Blueberry Pie, and the list continues to infinity, meanwhile, the dogs have been having to live on bee intestines, and fly brains.  That, is why the final string was cut.  Just five minutes ago, Berndote, another Australian Cattle Dog, raised the dog's flag, the flag of rebellion!

Immediately both sides began to make a chorus worse than you can imagine as they howled, barked, growled, meowed, and yelped at each other as rotten cabbage heads flew down among both sides, it is a stinky mess.

Two Hours later.

The fighting is now over.  Fat Cat Square, as the open courtyard space outside Plumpcat's palace is called, is littered with thousands of rotten cabbage, tomatoes, and other vegetables.  A peace was signed fifteen minutes ago, leaving the cat regime intact. But the dog Berndote wants revenge, and, what he called "his lost kingdom" for his own.  Dmails have once more commenced in massive swarms.  Something is amiss.

Marshall Jhon Mebble, advising you to keep you glasses on, your head low, and a large supply of rotting cabbage.
A week has passed since I left you on those pins and needles, sorry about that, those cats sabotaged my recording office with loads of stinking, rotting, cabbage, not fun.  It took me the entire week to get the place cleaned, aired, and reorganized.  But now the news is back, I am in a terrible state, please forgive my looks as I go out to the hottest point of protesting in the city.

Ten minutes later.

Here I am, at the largest spot of protesting.  It seems a few poodles have painted themselves blue, what a sensible way to protest the cat regime, for cats hate blue.  Also, news has just come in that King Everden has resigned and handed over the government to the cats.  Things are really starting to heat up.  Dmails have nearly doubled in the past few days, black mail is yet again, among them.  A young cat food administrator was threatened to surrender all the cat food in that  district or else dogs would take it with force.  The cats agreed, but secretly they have begun to smuggle some dog food away from the dogs main kennels.  Cats all around the country are rallying to hopefully stop the dogs in their attempt to overthrow the new king, King Plumpcat.  Plumpcat claims that he was not involved in rallying the cats, but that is what HE says.

I'll keep you posted, but as of yet, I am sure that the cats are continuing to sabatoge your house if you are a dog lover, please note what kind of sabatoge it is, rotten cabbage heads, molding apples, overturned trashcans, rotten cabbage heads, pins scattered all over the floor, general destruction, or rotten cabbage heads.
Powerful, magnificent, bold, and bloodthirsty, you are my lord.

I am Merdoth, the other captains say I am a worthless captain.  Please not believe the sniveling, meekly, persons, they are WRONG!  Kalis the Careless, Rilivan the wrong, and Pengor the pitiful, are all far below my rank of expertise.  They call me a magician, I am NOT!  They say the I am kind to the captives!  ME!  HAHAHA! kind to my captives, please, do not believe these lies, I am fully mature enough to assume the rank of Commander.  I will also let you know, that although I am sure, whatever decision you make of who is the next commander will be right, it should be me.  Me without question.  As you  may have heard I have just won a battle.  I am so happy!   And before I sign and seal this letter, I must say, you need to promote me, for I am the best.

Just this evening, at 5: 59 something amazing has happened.  A world record has been broken!  There are now SIX comments on the incredibly famous website called,  In fact, what a minute, this is

Hours later.

Sorry, incoming news has reported, that sadly, six comments is not a world record.

Marshall Jhon Mebbl, weeping like never before.